So, for no particular reason at all I thought about Tiny Dancer a few days ago.
Background: I met TD as a freshman in college. Actually, come to think of it, I don’t remember how we met, exactly. We didn’t take any of the same classes (she was a theater major and I was a Psych major). We weren’t in the same ward (I was in a student ward and she was a local). Hmmm… that’s going to bug me. Anyway, we met, is the bottom line, when I was a freshman in college at Ricks. We dated for a while and there was definite chemistry but there was something standing in the way: my mission.
For those of you who don’t know, it is customary in the LDS faith for young men, usually 19 years old or older, to postpone schooling and relationships and such in order to perform a religious obligation of missionary work for a period of two years. This time is incredibly impacting on the missionary, to be sure, but it can be highly stressful on those left behind. I knew I was going to go. There was no question in my mind and really none in hers, but it still weighed on our minds in quiet moments.
Now, I am a typical male (much more so back then) and when I realized that she was freaking out about being left behind, I did what all guys do, I tried to “fix” the problem. I reassured her that everything was fine and that we didn’t have to worry about it for some time yet (I wasn’t leaving for at least 4-6 more months). That didn’t go over well. Keep in mind that I was young and stupid and didn’t realize that women tend to react emotionally to things. This was a foreign idea to me being so young, stupid and male. When that didn’t work, I put it to her as a simple either/or decision. I said that we could either A.) Enjoy our time together, be happy for the times that we had and make memories that we could both look back on when we were apart, or B.) Say goodbye now before either of us risked too much of ourselves to really be hurt when it came time for me to leave.
I thought that it was a well-constructed argument that was based on solid reasoning and logic. Any women reading this will be rolling their eyes right about now. Yeah, I was pretty thick-headed back then. She basically shut down. She didn’t talk to me, communicate or even emote at all around me. I kept asking her for feedback. I kept asking her to tell me what she was feeling and thinking and she couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me anything at all. I, being a typical male, took this to mean that she wanted me to make the “either/or” decision for us. I elected to end things then and there because that’s what I thought SHE wanted.
Well, I left her sitting there; staring straight ahead, stone faced, emotionless and non-responsive thinking I had made the right decision. Then the emotions kicked in. It felt wrong. This was new to me who had heretofore been governed by reason and logic so well. I realized that I had fallen for her which, frankly, came as a surprise to me. I caught up with her later that night and told her what I had realized saying that I thought I had made a mistake. When she asked why I told her that I thought I loved her. She simply said, “Don’t say that.” I don’t remember much after that, but I know the rest of the conversation was brief.
She went her way and I went mine now conflicted by the crossed messages I was getting between head and heart. I saw her now and again and even performed in a play with her in the cast. That was kind of rough because she wouldn’t speak to me at all and I wouldn’t go to her either, again, because that’s what I thought SHE wanted. Well, eventually time ran out and I left on my mission. Time passed, I returned home from my mission and life started. I met someone, got married, had kids and focused on the future. But every now and again I would wonder what ever happened to Tiny Dancer.
Now, I am the type of guy who likes to take what is good about a relationship and hold onto it even after the adventure with that person had ended. I had enjoyed a handful of relationships before this one, but always when the relationship ended we always salvaged a friendship. I was still friends with all of my ex-girlfriends; all except Tiny Dancer. This bothered me for some reason.
Now, fast-forward over a decade later. My life is now in turmoil. My 9 year marriage is about to end and Plan A for my life has been shot to hell. I had spent the past decade focused so much on the “We” of my wife and I that I had forgotten what it was to be “Me.” Faced with the impending identity crisis I decided it was a good idea to examine my past before I could focus on the present, let alone look to the future. I looked back at the good times in my past that did not involve my soon-to-be ex-wife and my time at Ricks College stood out against the backdrop of my memory and so did Tiny Dancer. I decided to try to get back in touch with her.
I found her on Facebook and tentatively sent her a friend invite. I asked her if it was alright that I was contacting her and she said that it was. We corresponded for a while and I came to find out that she had never married and really hadn’t gone far from home. She was working on additional schooling at the time. Additionally, I came to find out that my version of the events from 11 years before was a little skewed. I finally just asked her, point-blank, what went wrong back then. She told me that she had trouble with people leaving her and that it was hard for her to be left behind by someone that she felt so deeply about. She didn’t want to have to say goodbye and she told me that she had always regretted the way things ended between us. I was surprised to say the least.
We decided to meet at some time in the future and just catch up. Several weeks later, I took a long weekend from work and drove up to Idaho with the intention of going to the Ricks (now BYU – Idaho) campus to try to recapture some of what I had lost of myself over so many years. I called her when I got to her town and asked her if she wanted to go with me. She was surprised and delighted. We met for the first time in 11 years and I could tell that she still felt something strongly about the “us” from so long ago. This was wonderful for me, too, but confusing as well… It was hard to separate the memories of teenage love with the conflicting emotions centering on my failed marriage.
The visit to my old campus was great and very therapeutic for me. I even ran into my old music professor, Dr. Brower. I love this guy! He is and has always been one of my favorite teachers of all time. He was my choir director for the Collegiate Singers, the elite a cappella choir at Ricks, and was also my personal voice coach. I may have to write about him again later. I wandered through my old haunts and revisited many of my old memories from that time, all the while talking with Tiny Dancer about the time long past and what had been happening in the interim. We even visited the sand dunes outside Ricks where I had spent many weekends. It was a great trip down memory lane and we parted ways hoping to see more of each other.
Returning to real life and the strain of my divorce, which by now had been dragging on for almost 10 months, I was forced to recognize the jumble of emotions I felt once again. Tiny Dancer and I had made tentative plans for her to come down and visit me when she next came to Utah to visit family. She had talked about staying at my apartment with me, which I had initially said okay to, but later felt uneasy about. I finally called her and told her that I felt wrong about her coming to stay with me and that she needed to make other arrangements. She was upset and hurt and she asked me what I felt for her. I confessed that I was a mess and didn’t know what I felt for her. I couldn’t tell if my emotions for her were based on trying to fill the gap left by my wife or if they were long forgotten emotions from an unfinished conversation from 11 years before.
Again, being male is a difficulty in communication that I struggle with sometimes. When I tried to message her on Facebook a few days later and found that I had been unfriended, I sent her an email asking what was going on. I had no intention of terminating a friendship and that just because I wasn’t ready to pursue a relationship didn’t mean I wanted to sever all ties with her. This didn’t go over well and I received a very emotional and rather angry response and then, silence. Silence for a long time. The silence seemed all too familiar, bringing to mind the echoes of long ago.
Several months later I received a one line email saying that she missed me and that she wanted to stay friends and still communicate. I’m not sure if she caught me on a bad day or if I was just really in touch with what I was feeling but I responded to her very directly and I didn’t pull any punches. I told her that I was upset that she had shut me out and walked away, twice now. I reviewed our history both current and historical and pointed out that I had always been honest with her, even if this meant that I later had to go back and correct something that I thought was true in the moment. I felt that my honesty was being punished. I told her that I was done trying to please everyone and that even if my email seemed harsh that it was too bad because I had wasted so much time trying to accommodate everyone else’s feelings for too long and I wouldn’t do it anymore, etc. etc…
Her response surprised me. She said that I was right. She apologized again for walking away at a tough time in my life and left the ball in my court. She gave me the option to try again or to walk away…
That was almost a year ago.
I know I should let sleeping dogs lie. I know that she has probably put a cap on that friendship and found closure in her own way. And yet, I still wonder. I don’t like to have regrets and for a long time, at least as far as people were concerned, I didn’t have any – except her. Now regarding the relationship with my ex-wife that will be a strained “business partnership” for the sake of parenting at best, I can no longer claim to not have any regrets, so it may not matter. The question that I am left with is, were I to contact her again, would it be for my sake or hers? Would it be to ease my own conscience? This seems a pretty selfish reason to resume contact… The other question is, to what end? Why would I resume contact? I may never pursue a romantic relationship with her, but don't really know. I’m not sure what kind of friendship we had because I only remember the relationship from so long ago. Is any friendship worth saving? Should I just let it be?
What do you think?
No comments:
Post a Comment