Last night I watched with friends the speech given my president Obama announcing the death of Osama Bin Laden. I must confess, I didn't know what to feel. I was reeling after the news and the subsequent statement by the president. I looked back this morning at the words spoken by the president and thought about the feelings I felt on that day in September, 10 years ago. Emotion, especially sudden-onset of emotion, is still foreign to me and as a result I tend to "lock down" what I might be feeling until I can have time to process it. Here's what I know...
September 11, 2001 was a beautiful day. I was living in San Diego, CA at the time and running the front office of a hotel in Del Mar which was set right against the ocean. My wife and I were preparing to celebrate our one year anniversary in a couple weeks and she was 8 months pregnant with our first son. Life was good. On that morning I woke up early to get ready for work and flipped the TV on to check the weather and world news for the day in order to be able to converse with my guests. What I saw was a picture of New York with one of the two towers burning. At first I thought it was a joke. Then I thought it was an accident. Then the second plane hit... My heart sank and I knew real fear. For the first time, I felt true terror, not just as a man, but as a husband and father. I remember getting to work that day and there was an equal sense of non-belief, bewilderment and fear on the faces of my colleagues and our guests. I remember watching as the news of the Pentagon attack came in and later the news of flight 93 crashing. I can remember thinking, "What kind of a world am I bringing my son into?!"
I remember feeling grief when we realized the scope of the loss in New York. I remember thinking of what must happen next in response to the attack. I remember feeling sad and helpless, mostly. I would come home from work and hold my wife -- well, hold her belly mostly -- and speak quiet words of reassurance to my unborn son telling him that I would never let anything hurt him. Ever. I remember feeling a fierce and primal sense of protection of my tiny family. I knew that if anything were to threaten them that I would become the biblical angel of death and destruction himself to keep them safe. I would go to very dark places to deal with anyone or anything that would harm them. But, I never felt the need for revenge... Isn't that strange?
Last night I saw footage of people gathering outside the White House and at Ground Zero in New York to celebrate the death of a man. Granted, he was a bad man. He was a man responsible directly and indirectly for the deaths of thousands of people. I'm not talking about just the Americans killed on September 11, but thousands of Muslims in Afghanistan, Pakistan and other locations around the world. He was the reason we went to war and is the reason so many of our soldiers and soldiers from other nations are away from their families, in harms way, many of them never coming home. He is the cause of a great deal of suffering all over the world. And now he is dead. He is dead and can't hurt anyone else. I should feel happy right? I should be out in the streets with the other people in DC and New York celebrating the death of this man, right? Then why do I feel that it is so wrong? I don't feel like celebrating. I don't feel glad. I don't even feel relieved. I just feel sad at the tragedy of it all. At the hatred that can destroy so many lives.
Now, I don't feel sympathy for Bin Laden and do not excuse or condone his actions in ANY way. In fact, General Norman Schwartzkopf, commander of the American forces in the first Iraq war was once asked if he could ever forgive the perpetrators of the events of 9/11. He said, "It's not my job to forgive, that is between them and God. It's my job to arrange the meeting." I agree with this sentiment exactly. I suppose what I am feeling is the "What now?" phase. Will we finally have a measure of peace in the world? Will we be able to relax a little bit and get back to "real life" now? Or will it just get worse from here? Is is possible for us to eliminate enough of the war mongers and hate mongers and fear mongers of the world to make it a better place? That's one question I may have to write about again, later.
For now, I guess all I can do is remember what it felt like back then, realize what I have now and do the best I can in days to come. What is to be will be... I must love more, hope more, dream more and worry less.
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