Have you ever been frustrated by something that you know to be true? You know that something is valuable and meaningful and when you try to tell others about it they just don’t “get it.” You try and try and change your words and try to explain things in different ways to get your point across but in the end, it makes little or no difference to the person you are trying to tell. I have felt that way.
I consider myself to be fairly eloquent. I have known the power of the spoken word. I have known the ability to use words to make others see perfectly in their own heads the idea that you are describing. It’s really rather gratifying to have that kind of experience. It’s also really frustrating having had that kind of experience to not be able to bring it about when you want to.
My beautiful, wonderful, amazing, stubborn, frustrating dear… doesn’t get it. I am falling in love with her and she doesn’t get it. She is afraid of hurting me and has walked away again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool my twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I am just an idiot for coming back again and again. But how can I deny the way I feel?! That’s right, this is the third time she has walked away.
After my last update we decided to try being together again. I told her that I had feelings for her and that I was willing to be patient with her to allow her to sort out the feelings she has for me. I am a patient man… most of the time. I know that she doesn’t realize what she feels or maybe just doesn’t want to acknowledge what she is feeling but there are moments when I can see it in her face. She feels something. She seems very practiced at keeping her feelings under control. I can tell that she feels things very deeply but she won’t let me see into her. She won’t let me know what is going on in her head or in her heart. GYAAAH! It’s so frustrating to be THIS close to something you truly want and have the ground fall out from under you.
Part of me is even more frustrated because I had moments when I wanted to be the one to say goodbye. I even tried a couple of times. I wanted to be the one to walk this time. After she backed off the second time I decided that I was done. But I wanted to be the one for once who did the leaving. I wrote a letter to her, in fact, that told her very clearly that I was falling in love with her. It also said that real love doesn’t ask anything in return and I was asking. I wrote that I had found myself asking her to care for me and hoping she would. I told her that I couldn’t wait forever and that I wasn’t strong enough to love her from a distance and support her while she found she felt for another what I felt for her. I wrote those words while I was waiting in limbo for her to decide what she wanted but I never sent them. My mind was already made up. If she didn’t want me then I guess I’d be by myself.
It was kind of surreal actually. We had seen each other earlier that day and everything seemed fine at first glance, but something seemed off to me. Now, if you have read any of my other posts you already know that I tend to worry about things. I could very well have been worrying for no good reason, but it just seemed like she was hiding behind a wall, an emotional barricade, that was designed to keep everyone out, especially me. It could have been that she didn’t know how she felt. It could be that she felt a certain way and didn’t want to tell me. It could be that she was trying to put me in the dreaded “friend zone” and needed some emotional distance first. After all, if she really cared for me why would she hide what she feels?!
Later that night we got to talking and I asked her if she had any more information for me about how or what she was feeling. She told me that she did not. I told her about my perception of earlier in the day when things seemed out of sorts. She said she didn’t feel like things were off. Now, granted… I may have been pushing a little, but I just told her that I felt like I was the one taking all the risk because I had gone out on a limb and had told her the way I feel. She didn’t know how she felt, yes, but the fact that she couldn’t tell me what she was feeling left me in limbo for ever. I reiterated what I had said earlier and told her that if she needed time to sort out the way she feels that I would wait, but if it was different… If she had already made up her mind and just didn’t want to tell me what it was that she had decided (I fully thought that she was going to break up with me, which is funny because we were supposed to be “just friends”) that it was a different story. I told her that I felt like I was in a precarious position, trying to keep from falling for her and knowing that it was futile but still not knowing how she felt for me.
It was a potent conversation and I even caused her to cry with my words. Not because I was mean or anything, mind you, but because I was asking and pressing for answers that she didn’t know. It made her sad and frustrated to not be able to give me what I was asking for. I again asked if she had truly not made up her mind and she told me that she hadn’t. I told her that I would go on waiting.
And waiting…
And waiting…
Finally she sent me a message telling me that she couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t continue to keep me in limbo. She said it wasn’t fair to me. She was hurting me by not being able to return for me what I felt for her. –Now, let me go on record her and say that she DID feel something! I saw it! But still she had decided to walk away, to play it safe. I just don’t GET IT! Why would I be destined to feel this way for someone who can’t feel this way in return?! So, she is gone… again. But I can’t stop thinking about her. And that part sucks. Still somehow, I get the feeling that she is still important. I don’t know. Maybe I am just going crazy.
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