Let me start off by first saying that sometimes I can be a real idiot. Okay, that on record, here’s what happened.
So, after my last update I decided to try to move on. After all, I was a good guy, right? I could date around and find someone to be happy with, right? I was still part of a singles ward where the possibilities were almost endless, right? I could find happiness even if it was with someone else, right? …RIGHT?!
Well, apparently not. Once you know a good thing it’s easy to leave it. It’s a lot harder to leave it alone. Sarah was a very good thing. She was a good person, kind, caring, bold and unapologetic. I knew that I was falling for her – in truth, probably already had fallen for her – and yet she was gone, again. I tried to get involved in my work. I tried to get involved with my singles ward. I tried to resume friendships from across the world that I had been neglecting. And it worked for a time as a distraction. I even wrote more in my blog.
You may see from my blog that it is rather eclectic already, but obviously I write about what is on my mind at the time. It was about this time that I decided to write about the nature of constancy, the importance of making a decision and sticking to it. I wasn’t writing it TO anyone, but it was obviously on my mind. I also was turned onto a song by Julie Atherton by a dear friend. I even wrote an entry about how frustrated I was with my current lot but decided it was too much. I was blaming people for things and I was upset when I wrote it, so I thought better of posting it.
It had been some time without any contact from Sarah. She had gone silent. No blog updates, few Facebook updates. Well, that’s not exactly true. She did go to Vegas… I missed her. But she was moving on and I tried to as well. Until one night, I saw that she was on Facebook and I shot her a quick message to just say hello. Small talk. Mostly I just wanted her to know that I was okay and that I was still willing to be her friend. Quickly, it seemed, we fell back into old rhythms with how we talk. When I realized what was happening, I caught myself and tried to steer the conversation in a different direction.
Then I did something idiotic… I asked her for dating advice.
Yup, I was that bone headed guy who asked her what to do to make contact and a good impression on someone else. My reasoning was sound. I thought two things. First, we had always been totally honest with each other and she knew me very well as a result. Second, if we were going to be friends this is something that I would talk with a friend about freely. She was hurt and upset that I had asked her. When I asked her to explain her reaction and I explained my reasoning for asking her, she told me that she doesn’t know how to be “just friends” with me. At first, I thought this was a bad thing. I thought she meant that we couldn’t have any kind of contact because it was too weird/hard for her to stay in contact.
Once again, I was wrong.
The next several weeks were a blur. Seeing her again. Holding her again. Hearing her voice. Seeing that moment of realization when she thought she felt something but was unwilling to say it out loud. I knew. I knew that it was all over for me. I knew that I had fallen and fallen hard. My schedule was absolutely insane with work, my boys and this new show I was involved with that took most of my evenings during the week. Still I made time to see her. Even sacrificing my precious sleep to do so.
One night after spending the evening together, I wrapped her in my arms and sighed. When she asked me what the sigh meant I simply said, “I love you.” It was the first time I had said it out loud. My heart was pounding as the words left my lips. I remember thinking that this was one of those before and after moment where everything in our history from now on would be measured as before I said it and after I said it. She told me that she knew and I was content. I didn’t expect her to reciprocate my sentiment. After all, our story thus far had been me developing feelings for her well in advance of her.
Then it happened.
As it was getting late, I realized it was time for me to go. I was getting ready to leave and she reached out and took my hand and said she loved me, too. It felt totally normal and natural, like it had been said hundreds of times before and as a result it took me a second to realize the impact of what she had just said. She loves me.
SHE LOVES ME!!!!
That was some time ago now. The words don’t get old, their meaning only intensifies.
What an adventure it has been getting here. I have known Sarah for 7 months now. I am in love with her. What kind of adventure is in store for us from here? I don’t know. But I look forward to it.
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