You may have seen from earlier posts that I met someone. I felt like this was a big deal because it is the first time that I have felt like I could care deeply for someone since my divorce. I have tried dating a bit here and there and even made a run at a couple of relationships. Unfortunately, if I am being totally honest with myself, I knew at the outset that these relationships were doomed to fail for two reasons. First, I had not really taken time to grieve for my marriage, and second, I didn't really care all that much about the girls I was dating. I know that it sounds terrible to say it that way, but it's true. I cared more for the pain that I was carrying than I did for the girl I was dating. I swore off dating for a while and took the time I needed to grieve for my terminated marriage. It's funny in hind sight because I can actually see the different "stages of grief" that everyone talks about. It really sucked for a long time. But I overcame it and made peace with my past.
Then I met her. She took me by surprise. I mean, I had sworn off dating, right? Besides, I thought, she would never be interested in me. But the idea stuck in my head that she was important for some reason. Again, I thought about where this was going and knew that I was in the same position as when I was a kid, not being able to see the end from the beginning. I decided not to tangle with it and for a long time, I just left it alone. Tried to stay aloof but still congenial... Yeah, that didn't work out so well.
Have you ever heard the expression, "Men plan and God laughs?" When I tried again and again to ignore her and my attraction to her, I could almost hear the laughter. It's actually kind of amusingly annoying now that I think about it. My nature in general prohibited me from being standoffish and circumstances in general forbade me from avoiding her... not that I really wanted to avoid her... But, you see, I had made myself comfortable with being alone. I forced myself to be okay with never having someone in my life again... and yet... I couldn’t help… <grumble.> Do you see why it was frustrating? I was okay with the way things were. I was fine with the way I had decided to be... Then I realized that I didn't want to be "okay" or "fine," I wanted to be happy again. I began to entertain ideas of hope whereas before I had dismissed them. I began to become invested in other people again. I simply began again.
Just when I thought things were going well, meaning we had connected and decided that there was something worth exploring between us, the whole thing came crashing down. "No chemistry" she had said and this was the phrase that stuck in my head. It was doubly potent for me because I had said the exact same thing to one of the girls I had tried to date after my divorce. And, naturally, this came right at the fragile time when I was just beginning to hope again and believe again. Starting to plan again...
You see, I used to be a planner. I used to like to imagine next month, next summer, 5 years, 10 years, 45 years down the road. I had stopped planning the moment I had truly realized that "Plan A" was shot to hell. And yet, I had started to plan again. I had begun to evaluate my life, what I wanted and where I wanted to go. Now, in fairness, I had started this change before I met her, but she certainly inspired me to continue and accelerated the process. And now, the things I had begun to hope for seemed to be dissolving right in front of me. I felt chemistry. I wanted to learn more -- to be more... Perhaps it was another lesson in being unable to control the outcome of something and still being willing to try at it. Hmmm... perhaps.
I was faced with a choice again. Would I continue to hope and believe or would I revert back to the "safe" way of looking at the world, that is to say, only looking at the next 24 hours? I decided that, while she had certainly inspired me to hope, she was not the reason I was hoping again. I decided to take it for what it was and be grateful for having met her and for the influence she had on me and a critical time...
...but that's not the end of the story.
Some short time later she asked me if we could still be friends. I had to think about it for a while before responding. Could I be friends with someone that I felt this way about? Could I take a step back and be supportive and caring without the hope of romance or a future? Could I watch her find happiness with someone else if it came to that? Well, the answer is no. But! I knew that I was happier with her in my life than I would be without her. Besides, I had been and still was a great friend to some of my ex-girlfriends from high school and college. I could do it... (I kept telling myself)
We made plans to spend some time together. I figured it would be just friends hanging out together... Well, we went to see Country Strong together. I don’t remember if others were supposed to come with us or not, but it ended up being just us two. I was being good natured and friendly. I mean, I had told her that it would be different from how it was if we were just going to be friends… Again, you could almost hear the laughter... Then the movie started… Now, she and I have a history with the music from this movie which makes me wonder if she planned this beforehand or not, but regardless we watched. It was agonizing for the first little while. Sitting there next to her, smiling, talking but not touching her. Then, all of a sudden, she put her head on my shoulder… Without even thinking, I rested my cheek on her head. We half-snuggled for the rest of the movie. It was a sad, happy, tragic, but redeeming movie. I highly recommend it, by the way, but the punch line of the film was, “Don’t be afraid to fall in love. It’s the only thing that matters in life, the ONLY thing. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”
Funny, but just when I think I have to make myself okay with just being friends with this wonderful and amazing person... It seems, I may not have to after all... There is something there, something important. I have decided not to "borrow trouble" by doubting or by reading too much in, but there is definitely something. We spent a wonderful evening together and I seriously hope that more are forthcoming.
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