Okay, so before I posted about the idea of making a change. Several weeks ago I took that ethereal idea of change and solidified it into an action plan. A three pronged attack that will help me realize a better version of me. I have known for a long time that I wanted to change. I have always had the potential to be truly great as a father, lover, friend or as just a man. For a long time I intentionally shied away from greatness because it was too hard. I am beyond that now.
First, I will undergo a physical formation. When I want to feel better about my environment, the first thing I do is clean up and organize my space. So too will I use a physical transformation as an outward reflection of the inward change that I will undergo. I have a gym membership that has been paid for already through December of this year which I haven't been using. There was a time when I would wake up early just to go to the gym before work. I did this 6 days a week and I felt great during the day. I slept better at night, functioned better during the day and just felt better about my outlook on life. I will begin again to go to the gym each morning a minimum of 3 times per week. I will lift weights and run on the elliptical or treadmill each time I go. I will regain that active physique I once had and more. I will also develop active hobbies that I love doing that will keep me going and keep me interested. There was a time when my body weight was something I wasn't embarrassed about. I will regain that same feeling again. And as a reward... though I haven't decided finally yet... I may get a tattoo... maybe...
Second, I will undergo an intellectual change. I have begun to restrict my technology use, i.e. computer, TV, etc. to the evenings after 6:00pm. Especially where I am at work with technology all day long, you'd think I would want to be rid of it for a while. Nope. I had been watching a lot of TV and movies for a while. It seemed to be something I felt I had to "catch up" on. I am cutting back on my TV and movies pretty dramatically. We'll see how well this one sticks. I have begun reading more. A LOT more. I have begun to devour books all at once. I had forgotten how much I loved reading. More than that... I had forgotten how much I loved learning. I have decided that I am going to return to school and finish my bachelors degree. I am split between several majors, so there is more to come on that front. I love exercising my mind and debating interesting subjects with other smart people who have an opinion to express. More to follow on this.
Third and most importantly, I will undergo a spiritual reformation. I will recapture the spiritual power that I have had in the past that I now recognize as lacking. I have avoided anything spiritual for a long time now. I think I was angry with God for the way things in my life have turned out thus far. How could He, in his infinite wisdom, allow this to happen and all that kind of rhetoric. I have caught glimpses of what may yet be with my life and how I can impact the lives of others if I am adequately prepared. I have turned back to the scriptures and have begun to practice personal prayers in order to reacquaint myself with my own spirit. I am learning again how to trust my feelings and listen to "whisperings" of inspiration that come when my heart, mind and spirit are in alignment. There is a lot of work to do with this one, but this is the area where I have already begun to see the greatest measure of progress.
I think one thing that will help most of all with each of these three things is to simply change my thinking. I have had a tendency to fall victim to the seduction of negativity and anger for a while now. Anger and pessimism are interesting things and I don't say that they are seductive lightly. Anger, as I understand it, is a secondary emotion which is much easier to feel than it's primary triggers like sadness, frustration, fear or loneliness. I was angry a lot when I was unhappy. It made me feel proactive and not so helpless. Anger, however, is corrosive and addictive. I found myself dwelling on things that would get me riled up just so I could feel angry. No more. I have started to think positively. I have decided that I am going to stop "borrowing trouble" when it comes to things that I am worried about. Come what may, I am going to enjoy the high times and endure the hard times. If I can learn to do both and still smile, I will have made it most of the way. My three-pronged plan of attack will be cake after that.
Now I just have to avoid waiting for the other shoe to drop. We'll see.
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