"Some people come into our lives and quicky go. Others stay a while and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same." --Ralph Waldo Emmerson
I have been thinking a lot about Katie in the past few weeks. I often wonder what would have come of me if I hadn't met her. Katie was a joy and a wonder to behold. I met Katie my senior year in high school in Germany. I was living there as a student and she had moved with her parents because her dad was an executive with Proctor and Gamble. When I first met her the thing that I remember most is that when she smiled she smiled so big that it was a wonder she could see. Her cheeks would be pushed so high up on her face by that enormous smile that it would force her eyes closed. She was full of life and exuberance and light. She was indellibly good.
I was not. I was a rebellious teenager, constantly battling against the over protective restraint of my parents strict yoke of religion and appearance. I had been raised in a very sheltered home. My parents presented a view of the world that simply wasn't to be found when actually out in it. The idea that people were polite and proper; that kids respected their elders and understood tradition, honor and charity; that I was a normal kid just like everyone else... I found that these things just were not true to what I was taught. I was only 10 or 11 when I began to realize that their portrayal of the "Way things are" was so far from real that they lost all credibility with me and I decided that I would no longer listen to their opinions or advice.
Now, it seems to me in hind sight that there always seem to be a handful of people who come in contact with you and interact with elements of your life and begin to affect it. Katie was one of those people. I loved Katie dearly and realized that I needed to earn her love and respect. She deserved better than I was then able to offer her. I began to become the young man I always had the potential to be.
There are others like Katie. There was Andrea before her who inspired in me a desire to care for her more than I had for myself. Though she was not my first girlfriend, she was my first powerful love. Before I ever came to Germany there was Candice. I was falling in with the wrong crowd and started getting into trouble, but Candice was able to be part of the "A" crowd and still maintain her values. She taught me a lot about myself even though we never dated or even really hung out, she was still an example to me. Before her was Erin who always found the good in me and was able to draw it out of me, even when we were kids. There are more that can be added after Katie, too. There were Aubrey and Chris in college who inspired me to go and serve a church service mission. Then there was Camille... I will write more about her later, perhaps. Then there was Sarah.
Sarah was different from the others who had come into my life before her. First of all, I met Sarah after the end of my nearly decade long marriage. For the first time in quite a long time I realized in Sarah someone who I could care for deeply, even though nothing ever came of it. But the funny thing is that it didn't matter. You see, before with each of the people who were put in my path to inspire me I found myself trying to be a better man for their sake. To make them proud of me or to win their aproval, affection or both. Sarah inspired me to improve me for ME. Before I would make an attempt at self-improvement for their sake and, as with many external motivations, I would find myself reverting back to my baser self because my motivation was external and not internal. Sarah inspired in me the ability to catch a glimpse of what kind of man I could be were I to change myself from the inside-out; who I would be if i were to realize my "Personal Legend."
I will always be grateful for the people God has put into my life to remind me of my potential and inspire excellence. I think of Katie on occasion and wonder what the absence of her influence, affection and love would meant to me in such a precarious position as I was in before I met her. She has since moved on to inspire others including her husband and children, but I will never forget her and the influence she has had on my life. Nor will I forget the others like Katie who have affected me in some way.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Android Envy Update
So, I found my Android post today and realized I had never posted it.
Since then I have taken the plunge and bought an Android phone. It wasn't as bad as I thought. A couple hundred for the phone and about $5.00 more per month for the data plan upgrade. It's pretty cool to have Facebook, Google Maps, Youtube, and all kinds of cool gadgets on my cell phone all at once.
I read my first book on my cell phone last week. It was pretty cool.
Now if only I could get people to call, text or email me on this clever gadget, it would be perfect.
Android Envy
Why do I have a cell phone? To call people and receive calls from people wherever I am. What else? So I can send and receive text messages, picture messages and email. Anything else? To look up the occasional address, movie time or phone number. But that's really all I would use it for... right?
So why then do I suffer from phone envy when all my friends break out their shiny new Android phones? Maybe it's just that human beings have been programmed to be attracted to shiny things. Males are most certainly attracted to new and cool "gadgets" which makes looking at the Sky Mall catalogue when we fly all the more dangerous. The newer the better and the more exclusive, the cooler it is. Is this just another example of the "in thing?" Is this like middle school when everyone when crazy for Pogs, those milk bottle cap things? Is it just the cool new thing to have to be accepted in social society derived from some marketing program cooked up in the advertising offices of Madison Ave? Perhaps.
There is always that element of "keeping up with the Jones" in todays consumer driven economy. Sure, one may argue that it's a question of productivity and to be fair, some of my friends use their phones to remain productive while on the go. But this is the exception to the rule, to be sure. Why should I pony up the $300 to $500 some smart phones cost? Why should I pay the extra $25 to $45 it costs to run the mobile connectivity for the internet based programs?
So why then do I suffer from phone envy when all my friends break out their shiny new Android phones? Maybe it's just that human beings have been programmed to be attracted to shiny things. Males are most certainly attracted to new and cool "gadgets" which makes looking at the Sky Mall catalogue when we fly all the more dangerous. The newer the better and the more exclusive, the cooler it is. Is this just another example of the "in thing?" Is this like middle school when everyone when crazy for Pogs, those milk bottle cap things? Is it just the cool new thing to have to be accepted in social society derived from some marketing program cooked up in the advertising offices of Madison Ave? Perhaps.
There is always that element of "keeping up with the Jones" in todays consumer driven economy. Sure, one may argue that it's a question of productivity and to be fair, some of my friends use their phones to remain productive while on the go. But this is the exception to the rule, to be sure. Why should I pony up the $300 to $500 some smart phones cost? Why should I pay the extra $25 to $45 it costs to run the mobile connectivity for the internet based programs?
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
The action plan.
Okay, so before I posted about the idea of making a change. Several weeks ago I took that ethereal idea of change and solidified it into an action plan. A three pronged attack that will help me realize a better version of me. I have known for a long time that I wanted to change. I have always had the potential to be truly great as a father, lover, friend or as just a man. For a long time I intentionally shied away from greatness because it was too hard. I am beyond that now.
First, I will undergo a physical formation. When I want to feel better about my environment, the first thing I do is clean up and organize my space. So too will I use a physical transformation as an outward reflection of the inward change that I will undergo. I have a gym membership that has been paid for already through December of this year which I haven't been using. There was a time when I would wake up early just to go to the gym before work. I did this 6 days a week and I felt great during the day. I slept better at night, functioned better during the day and just felt better about my outlook on life. I will begin again to go to the gym each morning a minimum of 3 times per week. I will lift weights and run on the elliptical or treadmill each time I go. I will regain that active physique I once had and more. I will also develop active hobbies that I love doing that will keep me going and keep me interested. There was a time when my body weight was something I wasn't embarrassed about. I will regain that same feeling again. And as a reward... though I haven't decided finally yet... I may get a tattoo... maybe...
Second, I will undergo an intellectual change. I have begun to restrict my technology use, i.e. computer, TV, etc. to the evenings after 6:00pm. Especially where I am at work with technology all day long, you'd think I would want to be rid of it for a while. Nope. I had been watching a lot of TV and movies for a while. It seemed to be something I felt I had to "catch up" on. I am cutting back on my TV and movies pretty dramatically. We'll see how well this one sticks. I have begun reading more. A LOT more. I have begun to devour books all at once. I had forgotten how much I loved reading. More than that... I had forgotten how much I loved learning. I have decided that I am going to return to school and finish my bachelors degree. I am split between several majors, so there is more to come on that front. I love exercising my mind and debating interesting subjects with other smart people who have an opinion to express. More to follow on this.
Third and most importantly, I will undergo a spiritual reformation. I will recapture the spiritual power that I have had in the past that I now recognize as lacking. I have avoided anything spiritual for a long time now. I think I was angry with God for the way things in my life have turned out thus far. How could He, in his infinite wisdom, allow this to happen and all that kind of rhetoric. I have caught glimpses of what may yet be with my life and how I can impact the lives of others if I am adequately prepared. I have turned back to the scriptures and have begun to practice personal prayers in order to reacquaint myself with my own spirit. I am learning again how to trust my feelings and listen to "whisperings" of inspiration that come when my heart, mind and spirit are in alignment. There is a lot of work to do with this one, but this is the area where I have already begun to see the greatest measure of progress.
I think one thing that will help most of all with each of these three things is to simply change my thinking. I have had a tendency to fall victim to the seduction of negativity and anger for a while now. Anger and pessimism are interesting things and I don't say that they are seductive lightly. Anger, as I understand it, is a secondary emotion which is much easier to feel than it's primary triggers like sadness, frustration, fear or loneliness. I was angry a lot when I was unhappy. It made me feel proactive and not so helpless. Anger, however, is corrosive and addictive. I found myself dwelling on things that would get me riled up just so I could feel angry. No more. I have started to think positively. I have decided that I am going to stop "borrowing trouble" when it comes to things that I am worried about. Come what may, I am going to enjoy the high times and endure the hard times. If I can learn to do both and still smile, I will have made it most of the way. My three-pronged plan of attack will be cake after that.
Now I just have to avoid waiting for the other shoe to drop. We'll see.
First, I will undergo a physical formation. When I want to feel better about my environment, the first thing I do is clean up and organize my space. So too will I use a physical transformation as an outward reflection of the inward change that I will undergo. I have a gym membership that has been paid for already through December of this year which I haven't been using. There was a time when I would wake up early just to go to the gym before work. I did this 6 days a week and I felt great during the day. I slept better at night, functioned better during the day and just felt better about my outlook on life. I will begin again to go to the gym each morning a minimum of 3 times per week. I will lift weights and run on the elliptical or treadmill each time I go. I will regain that active physique I once had and more. I will also develop active hobbies that I love doing that will keep me going and keep me interested. There was a time when my body weight was something I wasn't embarrassed about. I will regain that same feeling again. And as a reward... though I haven't decided finally yet... I may get a tattoo... maybe...
Second, I will undergo an intellectual change. I have begun to restrict my technology use, i.e. computer, TV, etc. to the evenings after 6:00pm. Especially where I am at work with technology all day long, you'd think I would want to be rid of it for a while. Nope. I had been watching a lot of TV and movies for a while. It seemed to be something I felt I had to "catch up" on. I am cutting back on my TV and movies pretty dramatically. We'll see how well this one sticks. I have begun reading more. A LOT more. I have begun to devour books all at once. I had forgotten how much I loved reading. More than that... I had forgotten how much I loved learning. I have decided that I am going to return to school and finish my bachelors degree. I am split between several majors, so there is more to come on that front. I love exercising my mind and debating interesting subjects with other smart people who have an opinion to express. More to follow on this.
Third and most importantly, I will undergo a spiritual reformation. I will recapture the spiritual power that I have had in the past that I now recognize as lacking. I have avoided anything spiritual for a long time now. I think I was angry with God for the way things in my life have turned out thus far. How could He, in his infinite wisdom, allow this to happen and all that kind of rhetoric. I have caught glimpses of what may yet be with my life and how I can impact the lives of others if I am adequately prepared. I have turned back to the scriptures and have begun to practice personal prayers in order to reacquaint myself with my own spirit. I am learning again how to trust my feelings and listen to "whisperings" of inspiration that come when my heart, mind and spirit are in alignment. There is a lot of work to do with this one, but this is the area where I have already begun to see the greatest measure of progress.
I think one thing that will help most of all with each of these three things is to simply change my thinking. I have had a tendency to fall victim to the seduction of negativity and anger for a while now. Anger and pessimism are interesting things and I don't say that they are seductive lightly. Anger, as I understand it, is a secondary emotion which is much easier to feel than it's primary triggers like sadness, frustration, fear or loneliness. I was angry a lot when I was unhappy. It made me feel proactive and not so helpless. Anger, however, is corrosive and addictive. I found myself dwelling on things that would get me riled up just so I could feel angry. No more. I have started to think positively. I have decided that I am going to stop "borrowing trouble" when it comes to things that I am worried about. Come what may, I am going to enjoy the high times and endure the hard times. If I can learn to do both and still smile, I will have made it most of the way. My three-pronged plan of attack will be cake after that.
Now I just have to avoid waiting for the other shoe to drop. We'll see.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Fix you
I have a great love of music and singing. When a fairly new TV series started back up called, “The Sing Off” which showcases a cappella talent from around the country, I was thrilled. One of my favorite groups, a group called Street Corner Symphony, sang a Coldplay song that I had never heard before called “Fix You.” I was truly moved by both the song and the performance. I have since downloaded it and I listen to it every now and again while I’m out driving.
When you’ve tried your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to wast
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you loose something you cannot replace
Tears Stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones.
And I will try to fix you.
This always seemed to me like a song that a friend would sing to an unrequited love. Perhaps it is a song of grief at the loss of a loved one either to death or to loss of love. I always wondered who was speaking… Who would say those words to someone like me? Because I have been the one who gets what I want but not what I need. I have been the one has lost something that cannot be replaced. I have been the one with tears streaming down my face. So, who would be the voice of the song to someone like me?
I have a great appreciation for music because of the ability it has with someone as intellectually dependent as me to bypass all the cerebral BS and cut straight to the heart. It was clear as day who could be talking and to me… It was a quiet moment as tears welled in my eyes and I said a quiet prayer of thanks to my Father who, in that moment, told me yet again that he loved me and would try to fix me.
Charity
I engaged in a discussion today about charity. Not the kind of charity where you donate money to, but rather in a "Sunday School" sense; the kind of charity that expresses love. I realized that I have the capacity to be incredibly charitable and have been on occasion but it was often with only mild acquaintances or with total strangers. I consider myself to be a pretty good friend, when I am around anyway. It becomes harder with distance, of course. But I wondered about how to show true Christ-like charity to others.
The man leading the discussion is a person I respect both for his character and also for his experiences with life. He related an example of charity that, at first, nearly blew my mind. He talked about how he tries to show charity to his rather awful ex-wife. Now, I know a little bit about divorce as you already know, but his wife was a real piece of work. Ladies, this was the kind of woman that you would secretly hate because they give women in general a bad wrap. Suffice it to say, she was not a good person. But to hear my friend talk about charity and his attempts to show charity even to this woman who had repeatedly wronged him, well... it got me thinking. If he could show charity to a woman like that... could I?
My ex-wife is a generally good person. Well, there you go. I'm already being charitable. <cue laugh track.> What I should say is that she tries to be a good person. The fact of the matter is that she seems to be a conflicted person who is generally unhappy with her life and, like many of us, wants to avoid responsibility for her own happiness. It seemed to always be my responsibility to make and keep her happy. I never truly saw her dark side until the divorce started. Now, by way of background, Camille has never had a particularly strong personality. As a result, she tends to take on attributes, attitudes and behaviors of those she surrounds herself with. It just so happened that, at the time of the divorce her best friends were, first, a woman who is married to an abusive addict and seems to be constantly angry and overwhelmed by her 5 children and, second, a woman whose husband decided that after 6 or 7 years of marriage and 3 kids that he is full blown homosexual and was leaving her to live with his boyfriend with whom he had been cheating for several years. To further complicate matters, she was assigned a female attorney, to whom all the woman lawyer jokes would apply. This woman had clearly been the victim of some kind of abuse or, more likely, sexual assault when she was younger and was now taking it out on every man she encountered in the family courts of Utah.
Camille, armed with this brood of compatriots, waged war on me when our divorce started. She accused me of physical and emotional abuse of both her and our children (I don't even spank my children and hadn't for over 2 years). She accused me of infidelity on several occasions (I had always been faithful in our marriage despite occasional spots of trouble with Camille). She took my children and disappeared for nearly 2 months insisting that I not look for her because I would never find her. She had me removed from my home by a sheriffs deputy as a result of ex-parte orders from the court based on fabricated accounts. She perjured herself on court records in order to get what she wanted and to punish me for her unhappiness. I didn't end with the divorce, either. Since then, she has turned my oldest son into a hypochondriac and had him diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and declared handicapped in order to get assistance from the state to stay home with him instead of working. She has been repeatedly neglectful of our children when in her care, several times having the police called on her. She has manipulated nearly everyone she has come in contact with into thinking that she is either a victim or a martyr. She has made my life harder at every turn... and this is who I am supposed to show charity to?!
Trouble is, I know that I need to. I already know that the negative feelings that I experience when dealing with or thinking about her are poisonous and if I dwell on them that I will suffer, not her. I have no idea how I am going to do it, but I have resolved to show charity to my ex. I am not going to dwell on the negative feelings that have pervaded my thinking for so long. I am going to try to give her the benefit of the doubt when she becomes infuriating. Don't get me wrong, I am not going to fold to her every whim and desire like when we were married. Just going to show a little charity and a little compassion. Then, when I am not dealing with her, I will choose to think of other things and not dwell. Hopefully, in this way I can also begin to show charity to myself at the same time.
The man leading the discussion is a person I respect both for his character and also for his experiences with life. He related an example of charity that, at first, nearly blew my mind. He talked about how he tries to show charity to his rather awful ex-wife. Now, I know a little bit about divorce as you already know, but his wife was a real piece of work. Ladies, this was the kind of woman that you would secretly hate because they give women in general a bad wrap. Suffice it to say, she was not a good person. But to hear my friend talk about charity and his attempts to show charity even to this woman who had repeatedly wronged him, well... it got me thinking. If he could show charity to a woman like that... could I?
My ex-wife is a generally good person. Well, there you go. I'm already being charitable. <cue laugh track.> What I should say is that she tries to be a good person. The fact of the matter is that she seems to be a conflicted person who is generally unhappy with her life and, like many of us, wants to avoid responsibility for her own happiness. It seemed to always be my responsibility to make and keep her happy. I never truly saw her dark side until the divorce started. Now, by way of background, Camille has never had a particularly strong personality. As a result, she tends to take on attributes, attitudes and behaviors of those she surrounds herself with. It just so happened that, at the time of the divorce her best friends were, first, a woman who is married to an abusive addict and seems to be constantly angry and overwhelmed by her 5 children and, second, a woman whose husband decided that after 6 or 7 years of marriage and 3 kids that he is full blown homosexual and was leaving her to live with his boyfriend with whom he had been cheating for several years. To further complicate matters, she was assigned a female attorney, to whom all the woman lawyer jokes would apply. This woman had clearly been the victim of some kind of abuse or, more likely, sexual assault when she was younger and was now taking it out on every man she encountered in the family courts of Utah.
Camille, armed with this brood of compatriots, waged war on me when our divorce started. She accused me of physical and emotional abuse of both her and our children (I don't even spank my children and hadn't for over 2 years). She accused me of infidelity on several occasions (I had always been faithful in our marriage despite occasional spots of trouble with Camille). She took my children and disappeared for nearly 2 months insisting that I not look for her because I would never find her. She had me removed from my home by a sheriffs deputy as a result of ex-parte orders from the court based on fabricated accounts. She perjured herself on court records in order to get what she wanted and to punish me for her unhappiness. I didn't end with the divorce, either. Since then, she has turned my oldest son into a hypochondriac and had him diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and declared handicapped in order to get assistance from the state to stay home with him instead of working. She has been repeatedly neglectful of our children when in her care, several times having the police called on her. She has manipulated nearly everyone she has come in contact with into thinking that she is either a victim or a martyr. She has made my life harder at every turn... and this is who I am supposed to show charity to?!
Trouble is, I know that I need to. I already know that the negative feelings that I experience when dealing with or thinking about her are poisonous and if I dwell on them that I will suffer, not her. I have no idea how I am going to do it, but I have resolved to show charity to my ex. I am not going to dwell on the negative feelings that have pervaded my thinking for so long. I am going to try to give her the benefit of the doubt when she becomes infuriating. Don't get me wrong, I am not going to fold to her every whim and desire like when we were married. Just going to show a little charity and a little compassion. Then, when I am not dealing with her, I will choose to think of other things and not dwell. Hopefully, in this way I can also begin to show charity to myself at the same time.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
A New Beginning.
I am beginning anew. This is revelatory for me. In order to understand why I need to relate some background information.
I realized only recently that I have been stagnating for some time. I was in a sort of limbo state after the termination of my 9 year marriage. At first I was determined to recapture the "essence of me" and make a fresh start. Little did I know, at the time, that I was merely experiencing the first of the stages of grief: denial. I buried myself in my work, taking on additional assignments and working longer hours. I focused on new friendships and the "up side" of being single. I began dating again... well, sort of. Little did I know that it was, at best, a house of cards set upon a sandy shore with the tide rising.
That was nearly 18 months ago. The inevitable happened, naturally. I fell victim to the anger that began seeping in. Anger at my ex-wife for destroying my life and the lives of my children. Anger at my family for meddling in my business. Anger at the seemingly brainless girls I would date who just didn't understand what it was like to be a divorced father in the state of Utah. Anger at God for putting me on this path of destruction with such surety. Mostly, however, anger at myself for not being the man I knew I could have been and even still was not. Anger gave way to bargaining and bargaining to depression. I was in a state of near constant misery during my waking hours and would long for the dark hours when I could loose myself to the quiet bliss of sleep.
I thought that I had arrived at acceptance finally. I was comfortable being alone, or rather, I had made myself okay with the possibility of never having someone else. I forced myself to be alright with not seeing my children every day and with becoming a seemingly secondary part of their lives. I forced myself to be alright with my aimless career and absence of any real plan for the future. I had stopped planning for things and instead focused on getting through the next 24 hour period. It just seemed simpler -- and perhaps, safer that way. I thought I had it wired. I was able to manage the longing for human connection that had, in all reality, been absent long before my marriage ended. I was able to tolerate the bitterness I felt for the woman who had so totally stolen my heart and then so utterly destroyed it. Looking back now, it seems almost unfathomable what the human spirit can come to accept as normal.
Not long ago, I had occasion to do a personal inventory. I made an accounting of my life thus far and what I could show for it now that my original life's plan had been obliterated. I realized I was not happy. I wasn't even content. I was merely enduring -- tolerating my days as best I could. I resolved to make a change.
First and foremost, I realized that I could not do it alone and I turned to God for help. I could almost hear the creaking of my unused joints as I fell to my knees and asked what I must do to no longer feel the pain that had become my life. I have always been a spiritually sensitive person and when I felt the tender pangs of love wash over me, taking with them the bitterness, pain and tolerance of sorrow that I had come to know so well, I knew that my prayer had been answered.
This was several months ago and, though I am not where I want to be yet, I am well on my way to realizing a measure of happiness. They say the true measure of a man is determined not by the heights to which he rises but how he responds when he falls. And so begins the account of a new adventure. More to follow.
I realized only recently that I have been stagnating for some time. I was in a sort of limbo state after the termination of my 9 year marriage. At first I was determined to recapture the "essence of me" and make a fresh start. Little did I know, at the time, that I was merely experiencing the first of the stages of grief: denial. I buried myself in my work, taking on additional assignments and working longer hours. I focused on new friendships and the "up side" of being single. I began dating again... well, sort of. Little did I know that it was, at best, a house of cards set upon a sandy shore with the tide rising.
That was nearly 18 months ago. The inevitable happened, naturally. I fell victim to the anger that began seeping in. Anger at my ex-wife for destroying my life and the lives of my children. Anger at my family for meddling in my business. Anger at the seemingly brainless girls I would date who just didn't understand what it was like to be a divorced father in the state of Utah. Anger at God for putting me on this path of destruction with such surety. Mostly, however, anger at myself for not being the man I knew I could have been and even still was not. Anger gave way to bargaining and bargaining to depression. I was in a state of near constant misery during my waking hours and would long for the dark hours when I could loose myself to the quiet bliss of sleep.
I thought that I had arrived at acceptance finally. I was comfortable being alone, or rather, I had made myself okay with the possibility of never having someone else. I forced myself to be alright with not seeing my children every day and with becoming a seemingly secondary part of their lives. I forced myself to be alright with my aimless career and absence of any real plan for the future. I had stopped planning for things and instead focused on getting through the next 24 hour period. It just seemed simpler -- and perhaps, safer that way. I thought I had it wired. I was able to manage the longing for human connection that had, in all reality, been absent long before my marriage ended. I was able to tolerate the bitterness I felt for the woman who had so totally stolen my heart and then so utterly destroyed it. Looking back now, it seems almost unfathomable what the human spirit can come to accept as normal.
Not long ago, I had occasion to do a personal inventory. I made an accounting of my life thus far and what I could show for it now that my original life's plan had been obliterated. I realized I was not happy. I wasn't even content. I was merely enduring -- tolerating my days as best I could. I resolved to make a change.
First and foremost, I realized that I could not do it alone and I turned to God for help. I could almost hear the creaking of my unused joints as I fell to my knees and asked what I must do to no longer feel the pain that had become my life. I have always been a spiritually sensitive person and when I felt the tender pangs of love wash over me, taking with them the bitterness, pain and tolerance of sorrow that I had come to know so well, I knew that my prayer had been answered.
This was several months ago and, though I am not where I want to be yet, I am well on my way to realizing a measure of happiness. They say the true measure of a man is determined not by the heights to which he rises but how he responds when he falls. And so begins the account of a new adventure. More to follow.
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